I have always been someone that loves to be in total control. For example, I always do a lot of research before I buy something to make sure that it is exactly what we want/need. I never want to risk an outcome for which I didn't plan. In a work situation, I always did a lot of research and planning before jumping into a new project to make sure the outcome would be exactly as desired. Basically, what I am saying is that by working hard and doing plenty of planning, I was able to somewhat control my situation and achieve the desired outcome. And then our children came along.
God has been developing me over the past several years into someone who is more reliant on Him. He has taught me SO MANY lessons. With children, new, unexpected things happen that you are completely unprepared for and are completely out of your control. It has been during these times that I learned very quickly that I needed to give these things to God to control. In order to get direction, understanding, and peace, I had to go to him. God has prepared me over the past few years for this current time in my life. As I am fighting this cancer, I realize that the outcome is completely out of my control. Yes, I can do some things like eat well, get some exercise, stay away from sick people, wash my hands constantly. However, whether the cancer drugs work on me--this is out of my control. Whether I have an allergic reaction to a drug--this is out of my control. Whether my neutrophil count comes up so I can stay on schedule for treatment--again, out of my control. God is in control, and many prayer warriors have been begging for healing. He hears these prayers and is answering them. ("The effective, fervent prayer of a
righteous man avails much." James 5:16)
Today, I visited my oncologist's office for more labwork. My neutrophils need to be up to 1.5 (normal range is 1.5-6.5) in order to get my 3rd round of chemotherapy tomorrow. On Monday, my absolute neutrophil count (ANC) was .3. Today, my ANC was .6. I was glad it came up, but unfortunately it didn't come up enough. The nurse, who spoke to our oncologist about the situation, said that they would not give me the neupogen injection, because they do not believe one injection would be enough to get my counts up. Also, they do not want to risk an allergic reaction. The doctor decided it would be best to delay receiving the third round of chemo by one week. She also wants to skip the 4th round altogether and move straight on to the 12 weeks of weekly Taxol. When we questioned this, the nurse said that you have to weight the risks and benefits. They said that being neutropenic for this duration of time (like during a 3rd and 4th treatment) could be life threatening (in case of infection, which I would be at extremely high risk for acquiring). We are keeping our 9:15am appointment tomorrow morning with the oncologist regardless, so we can discuss this in more detail with her. We want to make sure this is the very best decision for me. We have read that delaying and skipping treatments in the schedule can negatively affect the chemotherapy's success.
In the past, perhaps this news would bring me down. Maybe I would spend hours on the internet, attempting to find some way to control the situation. But, this time, with the years the Lord has prepared me for this, I decided to give it up to Him. He already knows the outcome of all of this. Could this delay in treatment and even the skipping of cycle 4 even be part of his divine plan? Likely. Drew and I are still going to ask lots of questions tomorrow at my appointment so we can feel at complete peace with the situation. This brings me to prayer requests.
Again, prayer warriors, we are so thankful for you. I have decided to create a new page on this site, especially for you, for prayer requests and answered prayers. The hope is that it will be much easier for you to find the prayer requests and to rejoice with us in the answered prayers. This way, you will not have to scroll through blog posts to find these things. You can find the link to the page at the top of the site, to the right of the tabs, "Home" and "About Me" or by clicking
here.
I will leave you with some Bible verses that I am dwelling on to help remind me of God's sovereignty and control:
Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together
for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
That people may know, from the rising of the sun and from the west, that there is none besides me; I am the Lord, and there is no other. I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord, who does all these things.
But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be
anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined
according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the
counsel of his will,
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
The Lord has made everything for its purpose, even the wicked for the day of trouble.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump
one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use?
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher
than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. “For as the rain and
the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the
earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and
bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it
shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I
purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is
faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but
with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may
be able to endure it.
“Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and
power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and
were created.”
A Psalm of David, when he fled from Absalom his son. O Lord,
how many are my foes! Many are rising against me; many are saying of my
soul, there is no salvation for him in God. Selah But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy hill. Selah I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me. ...
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.
And I saw no temple in the city, for its temple is the Lord God the
Almighty and the Lamb. And the city has no need of sun or moon to shine
on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and its lamp is the Lamb.
By its light will the nations walk, and the kings of the earth will
bring their glory into it,
Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for
God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one.
Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.
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