All about Abbey

The other day, as I was taking some photos of Abbey just being herself, pretending in her bedroom, I realized that I have not regularly been blogging anything specifically about our little girl:  her likes, dislikes, personality, etc.  So, randomly, I have decided to do a post about what our Abbey girl is up to.  After all, I do use this blog as our "baby book" or journal for our kiddos.  I also use these blog posts to create my annual yearbook for each of the kids (because my memory about what has happened during the past year has not been as sharp, thanks to the lovely drug, Tamoxifen).

Our Abbey Lee is such a charmer.  She demands attention and always has done so since she was a little baby.  In fact, when she was younger and you were holding her, if you were not looking her in the eye while she was "speaking" to you, she would grab your chin and pull your face towards hers so she could have eye contact--oh, Abbey girl.  Now, Abbey is in "the twos" and that has translated into other ways of getting your attention.  It is pretty fun to watch, and she keeps us all entertained around here.  

Abbey still loves to put her finger in her belly button, which is what she is doing here in the bluebonnets. (Apparently, her daddy also did that when he was a baby).

When Luke was Abbey's current age (and Abbey was just a couple of months old), we decided to potty train him.  It made for a rather hectic time, and with all of the other changes we imposed on him (moved him to a new room, into a new bed--oh and gave him a new baby sister), time-outs were beginning to happen fairly frequently with him.   I think we, as inexperienced parents, just imposed too many changes on him at once, leading to not the most pleasant behavior.  It really wasn't his fault at all.  And Luke really didn't enjoy his time in "time-out".  There were lots of (loud) tears while he sat there, contemplating whatever mistake he had made that was worthy of discipline.  It was super tough, and I bought many books on parenting around that time.  I have been anxiously awaiting this time with Abbey.  The time has come and I am finding that Abbey is completely different than Luke was to discipline.   Part of this is likely due to my experience as a parent, as I am in a much better, peaceful state now.  Abbey has only been in time-out around 6 times now, mostly for trying to demand her way with Luke (and being unkind).  When I ask her to go to time-out, she very happily exclaims, "Otay!"  (translated as "okay") and runs (almost bouncing) to her spot in timeout.  She smiles the entire time, as if she is excited to be there.  I truly think it is because she is excited about this "rite of passage,"  because she has seen her brother sit in time-out.  She feels like a "big girl" by being disciplined in time-out.  Thankfully, Luke's time-outs are very infrequent.  Luke is so super-sweet and aims to please.  The funny thing is that I have caught him sending her to time-out a couple of times for doing something unkind.  I just sat back and watched as she sat there and then he "disciplined her" by asking what she did wrong.   After she tells him what she did that was unkind, they hug each other and she tells him she's sorry ("sorry, bubba").  It is pretty precious to watch; although I realize I probably shouldn't let my four-year old discipline my two-year old.  Then again, it is teaching them a little about conflict resolution.  I would love for the two of them learn to work things out amongst themselves rather than "tattling" on each other.  That's real-life conflict management.  Anyway....all this to say, it is so tough to discipline Abbey without smiling.  She is just too funny and sweet.

I also have a feeling that Abbey is going to be our little bookworm.    She has a love for reading and learning.  For quite a while now, she has known all of her letters of the alphabet, and the sounds that they make.  She also knows all her colors, basic shapes and can even do a little math.  A few days ago she was asking for fruit.  I gave her one piece of fruit and she said, "Oh, I have one strawberry!"  Then, I gave her two more pieces of strawberry and she said, "Oh, now I have three strawberries!"  

Much to my surprise, she has become quite outgoing.  With the extreme separation and stranger anxiety she experienced last year, I thought she may be more timid or shy.  However, she has no fear around people now, and actually doesn't seem to know a stranger.   When we go to the grocery store and a stranger approaches us, Abbey begins talking to them telling them all about our family: "That's my bubba and that's my mommy."  Luke, on the other hand, tends to shy away and hide behind me.  This is pretty much opposite of their personalities when they were younger.  Sweet Luke just takes a little while to warm up and be himself now, whereas, Abbey just is not shy at all!

She loves to pretend, and it is fun to watch her do so.    

She also likes to do anything her brother (bubba) is doing.  So, if he eats a specific food, she wants it too.  If he starts reading books, she wants to read a book.  If he is playing with dinosaurs, she wants to play.  I love this--they already cherish each other.  Luke tells me regularly, "I'm so glad we have Abbey."  Sometimes, when she comes along with me to drop Luke off at AWANA cubbies on Wednesday nights, she thinks she is going to get to go into his class with him.  When I tell her she cannot attend yet because she is too young, she cries---and I mean "lots of tears" cries.  The entire way home she very sadly tells me repetitively, "Abbey not go to cubbies.  Bubba goes to cubbies.  Abbey not not go to cubbies."  It is so sad.  

Well, that is enough about Miss Abbey for now.  I will leave you with a little video of Abbey.  You can probably tell from watching the video that it is a "selfie" video--in other words, she can see herself on my phone as I was recording the video.  The video is nothing special---I just wanted to capture a little of her being herself--her laugh, her run, etc.   Also, in honor of "Throwback Thursday, " I will then post one of me from when I was Abbey's age.  I recently watched this for the first time since Abbey was born.  It actually was strange to watch it, because I felt like I was watching Abbey (personality-wise and maybe a little bit looks-wise).  It is funny how personality traits and mannerisms can be passed from one generation to the next!

Here is another one of Abbey being silly while we were at Whole Foods a couple of months ago.  She is saying, "A", "A" apple (like apple starts with the letter, "a").  She loves to make us all laugh, as you can probably gather from the video. She is definitely trying to get some laughs from us:

(Btw--I am saying, "I'm Heather Rene'".  I thought most would need a translation.  :-) )

  

To Scan....or not to scan

...that is the question!

I was scheduled for a PET scan last week.  I guess the plan for care for me, with my original advanced stage cancer, was to scan me every six months or so.  My past PET scan was in September.  But, I have had more recent imaging studies (MRI's) just to check out random new symptoms I was having.  Everything came back all clear in those scans, but I always knew that looming ahead was a PET scan scheduled for last week (it has been scheduled for many months).  PET scans detect concentrations of tracer (a sugar-based substance that is injected an hour before the scan.  Regional glucose uptake indicate tissue metabolic activity.  Since cancer is highly metabolic, concentration of the tracer are highly indicative of cancer. I have had three PET scans since my diagnosis (in 9/12, 2/13 and 9/13.) PET scans, CTs and bone scans all use radiation.  Since I am young, I would like to be exposed to as little radiation as possible, which is why I have requested MRI's for most of my imaging studies (I wasn't able to have the MRI's while I had my tissue expanders in, so I had to have CT scans instead).

PET scans are also very expensive.  Which I am assuming is why my insurance decided to no longer cover them as a routine exam.  Since I am not currently having symptoms where a PET scan would normally be the best imaging study to utilize to examine further, I received a nice little denial letter from our insurance company.  So, my oncologist's office decided to do a CT scan of my chest, abdomen and pelvis and bone scan instead.  But, since I recently had an MRI of the abdomen, my insurance company denied coverage for the CT of the abdomen and pelvis.  Hmmm....seeing all of these denials really started making me think:  should I really be having a scan when I am asymptomatic?  I mean, I have been more short of breath than normal, but perhaps that is due to being a little anemic or even a little more out of shape than I used to be.  In the meantime (while I was contemplating and praying about this), I scheduled the new scans.  They were scheduled for this pastFriday, April 3.  It has been over 6 months since my last full body PET scan.   

Also, over the past couple of months, I have asked my BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) group to pray for my thought life as I continue to move into this "survivorship" phase.  Satan loves to try to attack me by putting little thoughts about the cancer coming back, and what my life would look like as a stage 4, terminal cancer survivor.  Of course, I attack with scripture, but I just didn't like how frequently those attacks were happening.  The attacks tend to really rev up around scan time.  With all of these gals praying for me, I noticed something: the thoughts were happening much less frequently.  I am in a peaceful state.  So much so, that I emailed my oncologist's nurse and typed my thoughts on the scans.   I mentioned that I wanted to reduce the amount of radiation I was exposed to, thus asked if I could have an MRI of the chest instead.  Also, I questioned the bone scan, (which involves injecting radioactive material into my body), since any hot or cold spots on that imaging study would need to be further evaluated with a ct or mri anyway.  She emailed back last Tuesday night stating that my oncologist is good with just skipping the scans altogether this time around.  Whoa!   Suddenly, I had mixed emotions.  This is what I wanted, but is it the safest?   The nurse also indicated that NCCN (National Comprehensive Cancer Network) data indicate a majority of cancer patients identify recurrence by the onset of new symptoms (not by scans w/ no symptoms).  I also have to remind myself that God has this all under control.  If he wants me to have a scan, I am sure He will make it very clear to me.  In the meantime, I am to report any new symptoms asap to my oncologist.  

I asked my doctor if I could have a simple blood test instead on Friday.  They thought a cbc and an iron levels check was a great idea.  It turns out, as I suspected, that my iron levels are low due to some excessive bleeding I experienced a few weeks ago.  Some of my other blood levels are low as well--but it could possibly be related.  I go back this Friday so we can try to see if there is a trend.  No wonder I have been so tired and short of breath lately!  It is so nice having an explanation.

I am realizing that my life is likely going to be this way from now on as a cancer survivor.  I have a choice--I can worry about every little new symptom, or pray about it.  Of course, my choice is to pray about what God wants me to do with the symptom--inform my doctor (who will likely want to scan me) and let it rest a few days to see if it resolves.  Worrying doesn't do me any good.  But of course, Satan will always try to hop into my thoughts and encourage negativity/rob me of my joy.  Although, knowing that this is his tactic is very helpful in my battle plan as well.   I have my armor on and am prepared to battle, as this appears to be a lifelong thing.

Ephesians 6:10-18 says, "10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."

Signs of Spring: Texas Bluebonnets!

The bluebonnet is the state flower of Texas.  And, it is easy to see why.  They are everywhere this time of year--and simply beautiful.  When the bluebonnets are at their peak, they signal that spring has arrived.  I love driving around town, running errands, and enjoying all of the beautiful little bluebonnets alongside the road.  They make me smile and make running those errands around town a little more special.

We found an amazing field of bluebonnets last weekend, so we decided to take some photos.  Our camera's self timer is our friend for family photos.  It still amazes me that the kids actually look at the unmanned camera (and sometimes even smile).

Here are some of my favorite pictures so far of this bluebonnet season:

While Drew was getting Abbey out of the car and ready for pictures, I headed to the field with Luke to get things ready.  This little "test" self-timer shot is one of my favorite of Luke and I together.  

I love this sweet little guy!

and this precious little girl.

Can you tell Abbey is looking at her daddy in this photo?

sibling love!

I've got a pretty handsome best friend!

Giving Them Grace

Fairly recently, Luke has really began mourning for his sin.  It is actually such a beautiful thing.   Here is a story of when it first began.

About a month ago, Luke had been such a good boy all day long--he was truly a joy to be around, as he is most days.  But, as happens with most of us, he fell into sin later in the afternoon when he disobeyed me.  As I disciplined Luke, explaining why what he did was wrong, he began wailing loudly.  This wailing was the really loud kind of wailing--as if he were badly hurt.  Confused, I asked him what was wrong.  I didn't understand why he was crying so loudly; I was speaking to him softly, yet sternly, so it couldn't have been due to the way I was speaking to him.  His reply melted my heart right then and there.  Luke said, "Mommy, I really wanted to be a good boy today, but I didn't."  Oh. My. Goodness.  My little boy had made that turn in the road towards truly understanding and grieving over his sin.  He really wanted to be a good boy, but his sin nature got the best of him.  At that very moment I felt God tugging on my heart to explain grace to Luke.  So, that is what I did.

"You see, Luke, we all sin, unfortunately.   Mommy sins too.  I don't want to, but sometimes it happens.  When it does happen, it makes me very sad.  So, I go to God in prayer and ask Him for forgiveness.  When God sent His son, Jesus Christ to earth, His purpose was to be a perfect sacrifice for our sin. Jesus didn't even sin once, because He was God--He was perfect.  But, he bore the pain of all our sins by dying on the cross.   I believe that Jesus Christ died for my sin, so He has forgiven me...even though I don't deserve it.  That is called Grace.  Luke, I tell you what.  Just like Jesus wiped all my sins clean when I asked him to come into my heart, I am going to do the same for you.  I am going to forgive you for disobeying me, and give you a clean slate for the day.  It is like you never disobeyed me.  Just try really hard not to do it again, okay."

God urged me right there to show Luke the picture of grace.  Little did I know though, that God was teaching me through the whole experience.  After I said those words to Luke, he gave me a huge smile and I literally felt the weight of the sin that he was grieving over lifted.  He was a new little boy.  By going through this experience with Luke, I began to look at forgiveness and sin from the eyes of our Father in heaven.  The Bible tells me that man was created in the image of God.  Also, I know that Jesus came to earth and experienced the same human emotions we experience.  Although I was very disappointed in him for disobeying me, I was also extremely touched that Luke was sad over that disobedience.  Although I am sure God is disappointed when we sin (as it separates us from Him), just as my heart melted when my little Luke cried over his sin, I am sure that our heavenly father is touched when we mourn over our sin and ask for forgiveness.  After Luke cried over His sin and in those tears admitted he really wanted to be a good boy, I just wanted to embrace him with the biggest hug ever and forgive him a million times over.  Perhaps, that is how God feels when we mourn our sin and ask forgiveness. 

I experienced this again yesterday, when once again Luke cried loudly over his sin, telling me he was really wanting to be a good boy.   And once again, my heart melted and I just wanted to embrace him and pour out on him as much love and grace as I had at that moment in time.  Thank you, Lord, for teaching me in these precious moments with my children!

Matthew 5:4:  "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

2 Corinthians 12:9: "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Our Austin "Stay-cation"

Ever since I began cancer treatment, my "end of treatment" celebration that I was really looking forward to was to go snowboarding.  So, we had been planning to go this month on a fabulous snowboarding/ski trip.  Actually, we were going to ski/snowboard with a big group of family just this past week.   We decided long ago to go to the Taos ski valley, because it was less expensive than Colorado/Utah/California and within driving distance (which is nice with all of the kids that would be going).   Unfortunately though, New Mexico just didn't get enough snow this spring to make the trip worth it.  With the possibility of closed runs and warmer than normal weather, my family mentioned that perhaps a visit to us in Austin would be a better option.  So, our family had a little Austin "stay-cation" this past week instead. 

My mom and dad, brother (Jeremy), sister-in-law (Brandy) and nephew (Traber), stayed at our house with us.  My sister (Holly) and brother-in-law (Ryan) and their kids (our nieces--Lilly and Linnea), along with her in-laws (Ryan's parents, Wayne and Susan, and Ryan's brother, Drew), all rented a cute house closer to downtown. 

We packed in so much fun each day they were here and had a blast showing them around our beloved town.  We ate at delicious Austin restaurants and food trucks, visited so many parks (Zilker, Barton Springs, Laguna Gloria, Mayfield Park, Mount Bonnell, Zilker Botanical Garden), took a tour at the Texas Capital, took a stroll down South Congress, watched the Bat Colony under the Congress Avenue Bridge emerge at dusk, and even did some shopping and playing at Top Golf.  In addition, we threw in a little birthday party for our nieces, Lilly and Linnea, who turn 6 and 4 years old, respectively, this month. 

Below are just some of the photos I took during the trip.  You will notice that Luke and Abbey are not in many of them.   They were always too far ahead of the group (or moved too quickly) for me to be able to snap a photo of them.  :-)

My sister, her family and in-laws in front of the Capital building.

 

Abbey's pace was a little faster than the tour guide's pace.  So, she did her own little tour with daddy.

I really enjoyed the tour that we took of the capital.   I had visited before, but never had a guide.  I learned so many interesting things--it was definitely worth the 30 minutes of our time.

We did a lot of exploring!

Jeremy and his family hiking at Mt. Bonnell--too bright for a good photo.

Lilly, reflecting on her last days as a 5-year old.

Tuckered-out Abbey

Cute little Linnea

Father/daughter

Lilly and her other uncle Drew

Abbey--exploring at the super-fast Abbey pace.

  

I love murals---they are a fun backdrop for photos.  This one is great for photos with loved ones...

I will stop with the photo overload now.  We just had so much fun with everyone.  Showing family around your own town makes you appreciate it even more.  And, the weather couldn't have been more perfect.  I really do love our city.  I am still going to go on that snowboarding trip someday though!  :-)

In a good place...

I'm in a good place now...but, it took a lot of growth and fighting God to get here.  Here's the story I promised in my last post...

Prior to being a stay-at-home mom, I had an awesome job.  I mean, a REALLY awesome job.   I worked for an awesome company, in a role that I loved, for a manager that was great, with people whom I loved.  I also felt I was really good at this job.  I had worked my way up through lots of schooling and human resources positions to a wonderful executive level position.

After Luke was born, God began tugging at my heart to become a stay-at-home mom.  Of course, I wanted to be that stay-at-home mom.  But, I also wanted to keep the job I loved....and the pay.  Honestly, my job brought in over half of our family's income, so just quitting would be a very big deal not just for me, but for our family.  But, that is what God was calling for us to do.  Drew was ready to take the plunge.  He thought quitting was a good idea, and told me that he trusted God would provide for us.  But, that was such a big leap.  We had some money in savings, but how long would that last?   I finally decided to go into the CEO's office (my boss) and have a tough talk.  I told him about feeling the pull to want to give 100% as an employee and 100% as a mom.  I told him that when I was at home with my family, I was often thinking of work (I didn't want to) and often at work, I was missing my newborn son.  If I had to make a choice between the two, of course I had to make it in favor of spending more time with our new son, Luke.  My wonderful boss offered a great solution, and Drew and I ended up changing our work schedules a bit so that Luke only had to be in care for only a few hours per day.  That went so well....until our caregiver quit.  When she gave her notice, I did as well--again.   But, again, my wonderful manager offered the option for me to work part time, which Drew and I decided would work.  So, Luke only had to be in care with someone else for a little bit each week.   We put Luke into a part-time Christian private school.  But, God continued to tug on my heart.  It just never quite felt right.  Then, we found out we were pregnant with Abbey.  We prayed about what to do over many months.  But, it was now very clear.  The school told us that by the end of the year (12/11), they would no longer continue the part-time program.  Abbey was due in January 2012.  God wanted me to quit my job.  He wanted me to have complete faith in Him to provide for us.  I quit just a few days before Abbey was born, knowing that we would probably be ok for 2-3 years without me working, due to some money we had been putting into savings.  But then, I would need to likely find some part-time work.  After I quit, I started my own Human Resources consulting company.  I thought this was a perfect solution:  work on my own terms.  Plus, I felt like I was a terrible stay-at-home mom.  I had all of these huge expectations I placed on myself, most of which I felt as if I was failing in.  But, God continued to stir my heart.  He really wanted me 100% devoted to my family--no other roles, jobs, etc.  He reminded me that just as becoming a good employee took lots of experience, being that stay-at-home mom I wanted to be took lots of experience and practice.  However, I continued to fight God's calling for my life a bit while continuing to meet with potential clients.

Our Abbey Lee

Then, when Abbey was only eight months old, I received a cancer diagnosis.  When I received that diagnosis, I decided right then and there that I would no longer live on my terms, but rather, would live on His terms.  If this meant not working, then I would trust His plan.  As I continued to give up control, I began finding more joy--even amidst an aggressive, advanced stage cancer.  I realized that trying to "control" things can actually rob you a little bit of your joy.  Don't get me wrong, I have always been a happy person.   But, the joy that only comes completely from the Lord when you are in His will is just something amazing and totally different from "happiness".

joyfully receiving a chemo infusion

Last year, Luke was in preschool (on Tuesdays and Thursdays).  His attendance at the preschool during the 2012-2013 school year spanned my entire cancer treatment (chemo, surgery, radiation).  He loved the school and his teachers.   But, last summer after the school year ended, God began stirring my heart in another direction--He wanted me to homeschool.  What?  Me?  God, you must have me confused with someone else?  You see, I really don't think I am capable.  Also, I was kind of looking forward to having that time when Luke was in school to get chores done, go grocery shopping, cook, work, work out, or whatever.   But, I was committed to doing His will, so I began exploring it.  I attended informational meetings. I sat in tears at the first meeting I attended.  God was literally speaking specifically to me through the things these ladies were saying.  Words they used answered every doubt or fear I had.   They quoted scripture that was EXACTLY what my heart needed to hear.  All of my doubts and fears began subsiding.  I began to get excited.  So, I elected not to enroll Luke in any preschool for the 2013-2014 school year.  Instead, we would home school.

Fast forward to today.   Although I am shocked at where I am now versus where I was 5 years ago, I am also so content.  I am in such a good place.  I will admit that I really struggled with contentment until I finally decide to give up control over my life to the Lord.   Until I locked into exactly what He wanted for me and for our family, I always felt as if something was missing.  I love being a stay-at-home mom.  I am also now super-excited about homeschooling, and I have a huge list of so many reasons why I am so excited about it.  This will be for another post though since this one is getting so long.  When I reflect back on the journey the Lord has taken me through the past few years, I smile.  So, of course I had to write about it.  I am now a stay-at-home, homeschooling momma.  Whoa!  I want this testimony to be documented for our kids to read someday.  I want them to know that sometimes God calls you a direction that may be one that you don't feel comfortable with, or capable of going.  But, He will carry you.  And, in the end, you will see it is much better than the road you would have chosen for yourself.  You just HAVE to trust Him, and sometimes just take that leap of faith.  Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

You want to hear something else that is amazing?  When we reviewed our budget before I decided to quit that last time, we came up with an annual amount that we were short (income vs. expenses).  Like I said, we had enough in savings to cover us for a few years, but then that shortage would eventually catch up.   Also, cancer treatment was thrown into those first couple of years.  As you know, cancer is VERY expensive and not something for which we budgeted.  But, here is the cool, miraculous thing:   Drew came home one day from work with news that he received a new salary/bonus that would make up that very specific difference in income we lacked.   That right there folks is acknowledgment from God that He is completely taking care of us.

Y'all, I get to hang out with these amazing little humans every. single. day.   I get to teach them, mold them, shape them, love them, praise them, cry with them, kiss their boo-boos.  No job could be better than this.  It is crazy to me now that I fought this for so long.

While I am at it, I may as well include a little video.  Today, Abbey and Luke were very sweetly collecting the white blossoms that were falling off of our bradford pear trees.  Luke said he was "collecting lilies for his cousins, Lilly and Linnea" who are coming to visit next week.  He thought they would like them (so sweet).  I enjoyed watching the two of them run around and collect the flowers.  They are so sweet together--my heart melts a little bit each day.  :-)  Here is the video:

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